Joke of the Day

Winemaking Talk - Winemaking Forum

Help Support Winemaking Talk - Winemaking Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
These were pretty good.

Julie just remember ...
And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.
 
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced Tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The damn dance is called the Twist!
 
a gentleman traveling in spain sat in a nice restraunt sipping his sangria. the waiter comes by with a steaming dish. the man says "that looks delicious, i would like to try that". the waiter says, "i am so sorry, but we can only serve this dish once daily, you see, it is the testicles from the bull from today's bullfight". the man makes arrangements to come back the next day for his specialty dish. the next day, when his dish arrives, it is MUCH smaller than the one he saw the day before. he says "waiter, something is wrong, this is NOT the same dish". the waiter replies, "si, senor', but you see, sometimes, the bull, he wins".:br
 
The classroom teacher told her class that we were going to have a guessing game. I will place in your mouth a lifesaver and you will guess the flavor. The class cheered and all raised their hands to get to try, especially "Johnny".

The wary teacher chose Brandon over Johnny for the cherry flavored Lifesaver. Brandon sucked it awhile and exclained "That's a cherry lifesaver". That's correct Brandon.

Next she chose Sally over Johnny again as he was wailing his arms all around. Sally tasted her saver a moment and said...."Is this an orange lifesaver?" Yes replied the teacher.

This went on and on until the final lifesaver left in the pack. Everyone had played except poor Johnny. The teacher in fear of what filth may extrude from Johnny's mouth but seeing that it was a honey flavor, the teacher felt a little relieved with this flavor.

Johnny approached and the teacher inserted the honey lifesaver in his mouth. Johnny sucked and sucked and had a very puzzling look about him. That look turned to sadness as he felt he would be the only child unable to guess the flavor. A laughing stock he would be in front of his class.

The teacher realizing that this was a difficult flavor told Johnny "I'm going to give you a clue since this is a hard flavor to guess". His clue, "This flavor is the same thing that your Mom may call your Dad". A voice from the rear of the class yelled out.................!

"Quick! Spit it out! It's an a$$hole!
 
These were pretty good.

Julie just remember ...
And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.

Well I gave the wine to ffemt, so he needs to remember, :)
 
The Ostrich


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."




The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man..


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
 
The Ostrich


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."




The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man..


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."


That's a good one.. I enjoyed it.
 
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring!
 
A woman goes to see her doctor,,,,
"doctor, I just don't know what to do. My husband will only eat dog food.. I'm a real good cook, but he only wants to eat dog food"
The doctor says "you have to make him stop. They use all kinds of dead animals and stuff to make dog food. It will kill him!"
Two weeks later he sees her in the supermarket and asks,,,
"How's your husband? Did you get him to stop eating dog food?"
"Oh doctor" she replies.. "My husband is dead!"
"I told you, I told you" he rants. "I knew that stuff would kill him."
"No that wasn't it" she exclaims... "He was laying in the driveway licking himself and I backed over him with the car!"
 
A bear walks into a bar in Fairbanks, Alaska and sits down.He bangs on the bar with his paw And demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We dont serve beers to bears in bars in Fairbanks!"

The bear becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer! The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "WE DON'T SERVE BEERS TO BELIGERENT BEARS IN BARS IN FAIRBANKS!"

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer I am going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar!"

The bartender says," We dont serve beer to belligerent bully bears in bars in Fairbanks!"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the lady. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to beliggerent bully bears in bars in Fairbanks, who are on drugs!"

The bear yells, "I'm NOT on DRUGS!"

Th bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate!"
 
The Farmer and the Widow

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens and a goose.

The farmer looks at his purchase ans says, "Damn, I walke here. How am I going to carry this home?"

The livestock dealer says, "Thats easy, why dont you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put the chickens under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey thanks!", the farmer says and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him he was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "well as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Lets take my shortcut down this alley, we'll be there in no time."

The little old lady says, "I am a lonely widow, without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get up to the alley, you wont hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

The shocked farmer replies, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and goose! How in the world could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The old lady thought for a minute, then replied, "I think I got it, set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket......and I'll hold the chickens!"


LMAO
 
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

--------------------------------------

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Mike one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, Mike had enough.

'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb ***, get in.'
 
Last edited:
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on
time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late...... but he was a good
worker - really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded, a real credit to the
company and, obviously, was good at demonstrating their "Older Person
Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell
you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so
often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though - your coming in late. I know you're retired from
the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late
there?"

'They said,
"Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'''
 
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here And
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and Caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning.. .
Today you voted."
 
WORRY

In the end, there are only two things to worry about:
either you are well or you are sick.
When you're well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you're sick, then there are two things to worry about:
either you get well or you will die.
When you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you die, then there are two things to worry about:
either you'll go to heaven or you'll go to hell.
When you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends,
you won't have time to worry!
SO WHY WORRY!?!
 
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have a book on suicide?"

The librarian replies....."Get lost! You Won't return it."
 

Latest posts

Back
Top