Joke of the Day

[Larryh86GT]

Bottle of Wine
(Women will LOVE this one!)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to
drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

 

[Runningwolf]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year Old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over.

Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
Ten T error? What's that ? In case I need to fix it again.'

Jaden grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it Out.'


So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little ****!

 

[djrockinsteve]

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. The trick is getting them in there.

 

[Runningwolf]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!'

See... Not All Seniors Are Senile

 

[Runningwolf]

Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011
Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to
say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual
urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

 

[djrockinsteve]

A young woman noticed she was getting these green circles on her inner thighs. Being concerned she went to her gynocologist. After a full exam the Dr. said that he had never seen anything like this and was stumped. "Would you mind if I have my associate take a look? He's more knowledgable in the newer diseases today," the Dr. asked. Sure said the girl.

The associate took a look and asked the girl "By any chance is your boyfriend a gypsy?"

"Why yes he is! How did you know?" she said.

Just a hunch said the Dr. and the next time you see him you probably should tell him his gold earrings are fake.

 

[Runningwolf]

Steve you're a dog!

 

[djrockinsteve]

What goes "Clop Clop Clop Clop Bang." "Clop Clop Clop Clop Bang."?

An Amish Drive By

 

[djrockinsteve]

Okay one more. Can't resist.

Did you hear about the poor amish prostitute? She couldn't get enough menninite.

Boooo Hissss

 

[BIGJEFF]

What goes "Clop Clop Clop Clop Bang." "Clop Clop Clop Clop Bang."?

An Amish Drive By

this is going in my FB status!!

 

[djrockinsteve]

this is going in my FB status!!

You know there's an idea. Another thread talks about a instant messaging area on here. Wouldn't it be easier for a Wine Making Talk Facebook set up?

 

[BIGJEFF]

You know there's an idea. Another thread talks about a instant messaging area on here. Wouldn't it be easier for a Wine Making Talk Facebook set up?

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/WineMakingTalkcom/189724200182

 

[JohnT]

What do you call a man with his hand up a horse's rear end...

An amish mechanic.

 

[winemaker_3352]

You know there's an idea. Another thread talks about a instant messaging area on here. Wouldn't it be easier for a Wine Making Talk Facebook set up?

Yeah - vBulletin has a VB Pager plugin - allows you to IM.

 

[djrockinsteve]

Why was Fred Flintstone so angry with Wilma after the earthquake?


Because he found her under rubble.

 

[djrockinsteve]

Why were the pilgrims here before the British?

Because they had a "reservation".

 

[djrockinsteve]

What do you give a guy that has everything?

Penacillan

 

[JohnT]

Three men passed away and went to Heaven. As they stood ready to enter the Pearly Gates St. Peter asked them to show him something that they have on themselves that related to Christmas.

The first man thought and pulled out his lighter and waved it around lit. This is a candle. St. Peter allowed him to enter.

The second man pondered then pulled out his car keys held them up and rattled them. Bells he exclaimed. He too was allowed to enter Heaven.

The third man reached into his pocket and retrieved a pair of womans panties. St. Peter looked perplexed. The gentleman replied......These are Carols.

I already posted this about 4 months ago.

 

[Sirs]

still just as funny

 

[djrockinsteve]

An attractive woman was hired to bring her prize bull over to a farm to inseminate some cows. While waiting for the task to begin she engaged in random talk with the man who had employed her services.

After a bit the bull mounted the cow and began to do his thing. The man saw his opportunity to make his "move" towards the woman.

"Man I sure would like to be doing what that bull is doing right now" exclaimed the man.

Without skipping a beat the woman replied, "Well why don't ya? It's your cow".