Joke of the Day

[Larryh86GT]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my GREEN HAT

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the hat. Try it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.

 

[Larryh86GT]

The Bridge

The Bridge


A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[hector]

A man walking on the street , suddenly needs to go to WC .

Fortunately , he finds soon a public WC .

As he was inside , he received from his wife a message on his cell phone :

" Where are you right now ? "

The man replied the message : " I'm at your father's House "

The wife : " very good ! By the way , I didn't have enough time to cook .

Eat something there before coming back . "

 

[Runningwolf]

Hector, not being from your country what is a WC?

 

[hector]

Hector, not being from your country what is a WC?

WC = Water-Closet , Toilet

 

[JohnT]

WC = Water-Closet , Toilet

Must be Canadian?

 

[Runningwolf]

Must be Canadian?

I guess Iran

 

[JohnT]

I guess Iran

If that is true, then I hope he drinks his wine with the shades drawn. It would be a shame if he could no longer lift a wineglass because they cut off both his hands!

 

[djrockinsteve]

A beautiful woman entered her step-sons bedroom and said, "Jimmy, I want you to remove my blouse." Hesitantly Jimmy removed her blouse.

"Now take off my skirt" she said. With trembling hands Jimmy did as he was told.

"Remove my bra and panties" she uttered next. Jimmy did just that and stood there gazing into her eyes.

The woman stepped closer to Jimmy and said,

"Jimmy, don't let me ever catch you with my clothes on again!"

 

[Larryh86GT]

Today's offering:

View attachment fun.jpg

 

[myakkagldwngr]

Frank sees his friend Little Johnnie walking down the street with a jug in his hand..
As soon as he's close enough he has to ask "what you got in that jug Johnnie?"
"This is the most powerful stuff in the world" Johnnie replies.
"Oh wow, what is it then" Frank inquires??
"It's turpentine" Johnnie says excitedly...
"Yeah that stuff is something else" Frank replied. "My grandmother put some on my mother's tummy and she passed the baby brother I have!"
"That ain't nothing" Johnnie replies with a smile. "Just this morning I put some on a cat's a** and he passed a motorcycle!"

 

[djrockinsteve]

St. Peter was greeting folks at the gates to heaven one day, "Next" he called out. "What's your name and what brings you to heaven?"

"My names Gladys, and I had "The Big H."
St. Peter says "Heart Attack, that's a tough one. C'Mon in Gladys." "Next"

"Names Roger, I had "The Big C."
"Cancer" says St. Peter. "Bet that was tough, welcome to heaven." "Who's next?"

"Hi, I'm Yolanda"
"and what brings you to heaven Yolanda?"
"The Big G" she says.

St. Peter thinks for a moment and asks her to repeat herself. "The Big G" she says.
St. Peter looks in his book awhile then says to her..."I'm sorry. I don't know what that is"

Yolanda tells him "Gonorrhea, The Big G".
St. Peter chuckles and tells her "I'm sorry, but you don't die from gonorrhea!"

Yolanda says..............."You do when you give it to Big Leroy!"

 

[croppy]

ok, there's two muffins in an oven, the first muffin says "man its hot in here" the second muffin says "HOLY #$@$ A TALKING MUFFIN!!" lol
=======================================================

theres three blonds on an island and they find a magic lamp, genie pops out and says "for freeing me i will grant you each one wish.
the first blond says "i wish i was smart enough to get off this island" poof the genie turns her into a brunette and she swims to the main land.
the second blond says "wow i wish i was smarter than her" poof the genie turns her into a red head and she makes a boat and sails to the main land.
the third blond says "i wish i was smarter than both of them" poof the genie turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge to the main land.

i can never think of jokes when i want to tell them

 

[JohnT]

Right.

Three men die together on Christmas Eve.

They go up to the pearly gates and see St. Peter.

"Since this is Chistmas eve, anyone that does something in the spirit of the season may enter heaven" said St. Peter.

The first man takes out a cigarette lighter, lights it, and says "look... A Christmas Candle".

St. Peter let him enter.

The second man takes out a set of car keys. While giggling them, he says "look... Christmas chimes".

St Peter let him enter.

The third man, in a bit of a bind since all of the good ideas were taken, takes out a pair of womens knickers (panties) and holds them up over his head.

"What has that got to do with Christmas?" asked St. Peter.

"There Carol's" exclaimed the third man.

St. Peter let him enter.

johnT.

 

[djrockinsteve]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh!

 

[croppy]

what do you call the guy who graduated last in his class at medical school?







doctor

 

[Larryh86GT]

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . .Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .. . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

 

[Runningwolf]

Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

 

[rodo]

MY LIVING WILL:


Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.​

They are SO on my **** list...​

​

 

[Deezil]

Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"