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Jan 12, 2012
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(Courtesy of "Modern Drunkard" magazine, where you can submit your own online!)

“Glass of water with a Beam chaser. I’m only half on the wagon.”
No stranger to compromise orders a round at Three Kings Tavern.

“I’m an alcoholic. I haven’t had a drink in 22 years. I’m a dry drunk.”
Totally confused old dude on the #14 bus who has absolutely no idea how drinking works.

You’re only too drunk for open mic if you’re so drunk you don’t know you’re too drunk for open mic.
Jen BaldEagle (@JenBad47) nails it on Twitter.

“This isn’t going to turn into an all night party, is it?”
Someone’s wife after someone said he was going to visit a friend recovering from brain surgery in a highly-secure Intensive Care Unit.

“There’s a lot of nonsense talked about alcoholism, there really is. If it’s a disease, it’s the only one that comes with buffalo wings.”
Danny B. strolling down the bright side of the road.

“Life’s too short for suicide.”
Unknown drinker at an informal wake in a Colfax bar.

“Sober ‘up’ suggests something positive and fun is happening. I think we should change the phrase to ‘sober down.’”
A savage-looking but surprising erudite day-drinker at Brendan’s Pub.

“It’s sort of like the Under the Table Economy everybody is talking about, except I call it the I Drink You Under the Table Economy.”
Hugh M. explains why the last person standing should be allowed to walk out on a group tab.

“Here I am sending you this mail to know the reply which should be said to bartender when he offer to touch the beer bottle when he come to serve you!”
Email/riddle from the iPod of Vicky at very late hour.

“Today has been a good couple of days.”
Shepperd D. at the tail end of a monumental bender.

“Of course a Manhattan is a brunch drink; it has a f-ing cherry in it.”
Alex H., 29, to a sanctimonious mimosa-drinking brunch companion.

“Ordering pizza while drunk is like throwing yourself a surprise party."
Andrea H. via Twitter

“Got my first year sobriety chip.”
Sean M., 53, after being asked, “What’s the occasion?” while purchasing a case of sparkling wine at Trader Joe’s.

“Shelly really needs to clean the carpet. It tastes terrible.”
After giving a surprise inspection, Eric offers janitorial advice at Shelly’s Swan Club.

“You don’t need time to drink, you need time to breathe in between.”
Kyle C. (AKA Pitcher) while hanging with the boys.

“If you don’t drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, ‘And then I got home.’”
Jim Jefferies explains why his stories never suck.

“The only downside of drinking in a bar day-in and day-out is you have to put up with a lot of worthless drunks.”
Unnamed gentleman during a dispute with the cigarette machine at JR’s Bar and Lounge.

“Everybody gets too drunk sometimes. And if they don’t, then I will do it for them.”
Joan M., 31, selflessly offers to pick up the slack at the Lancer Lounge.

“No, I’m still drunk from this morning.”
Alex T., 36, at the Lancer Lounge, responding to the lunchtime query, “Are you still drunk from last night?”

“I do have a job. What the f- do you think I’m doing here?”
Wino holding up a cardboard sign on Speer Blvd., responding to the usual scurrilous accusations.

“The problem with most cops is they have a hard time telling the difference between a felony and just f-ing around.”
Adam V., 38, at 3 Kings Tavern explaining why he was arrested for “not a damned thing.”

“The first refreshes, the sixth gets the party started, and next-to-last means you have one more left. At least one more.”
Francis, 47, defines the “three best drinks of the day” at Tooheys Off Colfax.

“Whiskey is my comb.”
A rather disheveled-looking gentleman explaining his carefree and bold hairstyle at the Lancer Lounge.

“I see you. But do you see me?”
Amy S., 23, either questioning a bartender’s attentiveness or determining if she’d managed to drink herself invisible.

“I am standing. The room just turned sideways is all.”
Mark pondering physics from the floor of an after-hours party.

“Alcohol is the devil. Woo-hoo! I’m partying with the devil!”
A rather scruffy-looking brute backsliding with the best of them at the Drunkard National Convention of ‘08.

“You can get away with wearing just your underwear. You can get away with vomiting on yourself. You can even get away with screaming insane s--t at me. But, not all three at the same time.”
The most easygoing bartender on planet Earth laying down the law at the Troubadour Lounge.

“Don’t you dare let me remember this. Ever.”
Unnamed woman addressing a shot of bourbon before exiting the Lancer Lounge on the arm of very recent acquaintance of questionable quality.

“Always fall to your left. Drinks, yours especially, are much less likely to suffer.”
Sage advice from Irish Sean at the Good Time Saloon.

“I love alcohol. It’s in my blood.”
Paul M. spells it out genealogically (and literally) at the Three Kings Tavern.

“Buy me a beer and thank me later!”
Sheppy’s weak but unique way of soliciting a free beer at the Ron De Voo.

“People tell me, ‘Oh, you just drink to escape your problems.’ Well, no s--t. I’d eat rat heads if it let me ditch my problems.”
Fred R. spells it all out in front of Walgreen’s.

“Drinking blows my brains out. It blows out all the crap in my head and allows new and better ideas to seep in.”
Michael C. pulling the trigger on a double bourbon at the Streets of London Pub.

“I drink because I prefer the company of drunks, and they don’t like sober people hanging around, making faces.”
Tim M. making sure no one feels uncomfortable at the Lion’s Lair.

“We’re 1/16th American Indian. And since we’ve both had at least 16 drinks, by my calculations we’re about to go on the warpath.”
One of a pair of siblings makes a radical prediction at Lancer’s Lounge, shortly before going berserk.

“Before you throw me out, make sure I pay my bar tab.”
The fatalistic and honorable Peter M.’s customary greeting to bartenders.

“Oh, I hate alcohol, too. Give me a bottle of the stuff and I’m pissing it right out an hour or two later.”
An agreeable gent communing (and commuting) with a church-bound crone at a bus stop on Broadway Ave.

“What’s the scariest sound in the world? Ice rattling in an empty glass.”
Observation by Gordon at the Ale House in Tacoma, WA.

“Can you mute the idiot box?”
Charlene T. making a polite request in a bar with zero TVs and one loudmouth.

“Is that a fifth in your bloodstream, or are you really happy to see me?”
A skeptical guest to an overly-welcoming host at a cocktail party in Boston.

“Alcoholism is the only disease they yell at you for having.”
Tina R. channelling the late great Mitch Hedberg at the Three Kings Tavern.

“I’m going down to the bar to sober up.”
Dan M. bowing out of a hard-pounding party at midnight.

“I’m in the midst of a one-man intervention.”
John C., when asked why he is eschewing his usual bourbon rocks for draft beer at the Old Curtis St. Pub.

“Can I get a shot of whiskey to wash down that shot of tequila?”
Terry T. clearing her palette at the Hondo Lounge.

“I’m not fat. I’m larger than life.”
Pete R. placing his impressive girth into a kinder light at the Lion’s Lair Lounge.

“Gotta early A.A. meeting tomorrow.”
Drunkard, name unknown, explaining why he has to leave the Lancer Lounge a full half hour before last call.

“I'm looking for a big strong tab I can warm myself next to.”
Cheryl “the Bear” upon being asked what she’s doing sitting at the bar of the Retreat Tavern without a drink.

“I don’t hide inside the bottle. The bottle hides inside me.”
Patrick M. slowly camouflaging a bottle of gin at the Lion’s Lair.

“Why should I apologize? It was my beer!”
Bessie after spilling her Sierra Nevada into Darius’ lap at Matty’s Corner, Black Rock, CT.

“You know, man, some people may call you a stoner, but to me you’ll always be a drunk.”
Mike L, 23, complimenting his buddy Duffy over a bottle of Windsor and bong loads in a California hotel room.

“They treat me like a king in this bar, because I act like one.”
Tony T., roughly 25 minutes before being “crowned” by the bartender and carried from the bar for helping himself to one of his minion’s beers at the Corner Bar, Newark, NJ.

“Why you reading a book in a bar? That’s like arm-wrestling on the Moon.”
Name unknown dishing out a unique brand of logic at the Curtis St. Lounge.

“I’m sort of a fashion nut, and I was just checking on what kinda shoes people are wearing this season.”
Charlie picking himself off the floor of the Broadway Bar and Grille in Nashville, TN.

“I am brilliant and charming. You are overly talkative. He is disgustingly drunk.”
Dan M. at the Cruise Room explaining the contrary effects of five martinis on three different people.

“Either you’re too drunk or I’m too sober.”
Sara N. attempting to get to the bottom of why she can’t understand a friend’s conversation.

“When I’m loaded I feel like a glamorous movie star with a totally retarded publicist.”
Terry S. struggling to rationalize heightened self-esteem and lukewarm reviews at the Carioca Cafe.

“I went out last night and didn’t drink a drop. I talked all night and in the morning I remembered everything I said. It was horrifying.”
Juan R. explaining his third shot of the afternoon at Swanky’s.

“How do you look when I’m sober?”
Ring L. postulating a question to a gent with a strikingly eccentric hair style.

“A hangover is just Beer’s way of reminding you you shouldn’t have stopped.”
Pat S. channeling the God of Hops at Gabby’s Bar in Toronto.

“Call my number. I don’t want to reach down in there if it doesn’t work.”
Jake B. asking a friend to call the cell phone he just dropped in the Streets of London Pub’s toilet.

“See, that’s the problem. I get so drunk I always forget I said it.”
Robert N. explaining why he has already managed to break the previous night’s promise of “I’ll never get this drunk again.”

“It’s not ‘drinking for breakfast,’ sir. It’s merely round 12 of my nightcap.”
Anonymous patron shrugging off disdain from a waiter during a morning diner visit.

“I drink well tequila because we wicked drunks need to be punished.”
Lady P. beating herself up at the Squire Lounge.

“It’s because I don’t believe in God that I am so terrified of him.”
Mike S. grappling with a dubious belief system and a double bourbon at the Lion’s Lair.

“Common sense is for commoners, and I happen to be a royal a--hole.”
Unidentified patron fending off a bartender’s query of “Do your think another shot is sensible?” at the Squire Lounge.

“I thought I was dancing ‘til somebody stepped on my hand.”
J.D. after nine J.D.s in Club AK, Fairbanks, AK.

“Bartender, one more pony Bud, please. They give me the illusion of height to fend off the Lilliputians.”
Reggie elevating his stature and sense of the absurd in Hank’s Saloon, Brooklyn N.Y.

“You better stop drinking because you’re getting blurry.”
Mono R. looking after his friends and his eighth shot of tequila.

“Hey, can you help me find my cell phone? I need to call my cigarettes.”
Laurie G. getting her act together over a Bloody Mary at a house party.

“It’s hard being a student and a drunk, but I try to keep my GPA near my BAC. I got a 4.0 last semester, but my grades didn’t do so good.”
Jim H. balancing the books and the booze at the Lion’s Lair.

“If you don’t drink in the morning, you can’t be drunk all day.”
Uncle Tom breaking out philosophy and the first beer of the morning.

“Now that I can see two of you, you’re twice as hot.”
Kasja M. doubling her vision and dishing out the compliments at Red Square.

“I’m afraid of three things: Women, snakes, and the police. They all have the ability to hurt me and make it look like it was my fault.”
Gil H. sums up his fears at Auntie Mae’s Parlor in Manhattan, KS.

“Look on the bright side — eventually a new girl will come along and break your heart, then you’ll forget all about her.”
A friend’s comforting words at the Magic Stick in Detroit.

“If you want to drink all day, you gotta start early.”
Unnamed drunk at Mary’s Cafe, Clifton Heights PA.

“Gin is a morose widow. Tequila is the supple mistress with the cojones to attend the funeral. Pour me some mistress.”
Scott Q. after being offered a gin and tonic at the Firehouse Bar.

“There’s a point where every man has to draw the line and say enough is enough, Eric. The problem I run into is that I’m a real patient person.”
Ralph justifying his latest blackout to the bartender at the Starlite Cafe in Jacksonville.

“Anybody not using their tab?”
Mike L. checking for a little slack at Lincoln’s Roadhouse.

“Let’s drink ‘til we can’t feel feelings anymore.”
Peter G. sets the course for Blackout Island outside the Drunken Clam.

“The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, 'Are you gonna drink that'?"
Robert G. eschewing the philosophical for the practical.

“So, have you always been a tool, or are you just going for the ‘look’?”
Bartender Lifto welcomes a slumming and high- maintenance yuppie to the Casino El Camino .

“You’re paying off like the world’s worst slot machine.”
Rick E. watching his friend regurgitate expensive scotch outside the Whiskey Bar.

“You have abused the right to say something stupid.”
Tom B. in Orlando after getting his fill of his barstool neighbor.

“I tried drinking myself to death. Now I have to get my health back just so I’ll have the strength to jump in front of a bus.”
Tracy M. switches mortal gears in Manhattan, KS.

“These floozies aren’t sluts, man. They’re just liberated."
Aaron B. strikes a blow against entrenched sexism at the Squire Lounge.

“The damn wagon’s too crowded anyway.”
Anonymous drunk about to take a fall in front of the Lions Lair Lounge.

“Before I order the cabernet, may I examine its box?”
Ross L making broad assumptions as to the quality of wine served at Joe’s Pit Stop.

“There’s only two people in this town that I hate, and you’re both of them.”
Ian R., a drunkard with few enemies but much bile, venting at Rosalyn’s Bar and Grill.

“Bar stools are like prostitutes. And if you think one belongs just to you, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartbreak.”
Unnamed drunk rebuffing a regular’s claim of dominion at Jay’s Lounge.