My favorite Irish jokes

[Rocky]

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I want to share a few of my favorite Irish jokes with you. Here is the first:

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

 

[JohnT]

An Irish man is sitting in a pub, enjoying a nice pint of Guinness, when a fly came and landed in his beer.

Thinking quickly, the Irish man pulled the fly out of his beer and started to beat the fly on the back..

Spit it out! he yelled.

 

[JohnT]

An Irish man come into a pub with his dog.

The bartender looks at the dog and can't quite place the exact breed.

"that is one fierce looking dog" he exclaims. " what breed of dog is that?

"Well, its a long nosed, long tailed, green Irish terrier".

"Hmm", the bartender said, "I am a trainer of fighting dogs myself. I'll tell you what I'll do. If your dog can beat my champion fighting dog, I'll let you drink all night for free."

Without missing a beat, the Irish man said "your on!".

The two dogs were placed in a back room and in a matter of seconds, the bartenders dog (or at least what was left of him) came crashing through the door and into the main bar area.

"Saints preserve us!" yelled the bartender. "how in the hell did that dog win so quickly? What breed of dog was that again?".

"Its a long nosed, long tailed, green Irish terrier, but of course some call it a crocodile".

 

[jswordy]

I'm ticked off cuz I can't put my all-time fav here. Here's an acceptable replacement:

Paddy walks into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender obliges. Paddy proceeds to down it and order another. He is served again. This continues for several more rounds, then Paddy excuses himself and goes to the restroom.

He returns to his seat and the drinking begins again. Once again, the bartender sees Paddy todder off to the loo, only to reclaim his beer glass when he returns.

The bartender fills Paddy's glass yet again. The plastered Irishman grab the glass and heads off with it in hand to the restroom. He returns with an empty glass, gets it refilled, and does the same again.

After the third time, the bartender says, "You go off with a full one and return with it empty. What in hell are you doing with that glass in there Paddy?"

Paddy says, "I'm pouring it down the urinal!"

The incredulous bartender says, "Are ye daft, man? What in bloody hell are ye doing that for?"

"Because," Paddy says, "I'm sick and tired of being the damned middleman!"

 

[sour_grapes]

A Texan strides into a noisy pub in Ireland and proclaims loudly:
"I'll bet any man here five hunnert 'MURRICAN dollars that he can't drink ten Guinesses in a row. Any takers, or are you all scairt?"

The pub falls silent. One man actually leaves. Eventually, the hubbub picks back up, as the Texan sat there smugly.

A little while later, a man walks in and asks the Texan if the bet is still open to takers. The Texan accepts the bet:

"Barkeeper, set ten Guinesses up for my leetle friend here. Put 'em on my tab, this oughta be fun!"

The man starts slugging them down, one after another, and kills all ten drinks. The crowd cheers, and the Texan pulls out a wad of hundred-dollar bills:

"One, too, three, fahr, fahve. There you go, my friend, I can't believe you did it, but you won fair and square. But, say, aren't you the fella that left when I made that bet?"

The Irishman replies: "Sure, 'twas me! But I came back!"

"Well, why did you leave?"

"Well, I wasn't sure I could drink ten pints in a row, so I went to the bar down the lane and made sure I could!"

 

[Rocky]

Good stuff here, fellas, let's keep it going. Here is another.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little turd, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"Ah, that he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

[LoveTheWine]

What does an Irish 7 course meal consist of????
..........










A six pack and a potato!!!!

 

[JohnT]

Paddy O'Sullivan runs into a pub one night..

He runs straight to the bar. "Give me 50 shots of whiskey quick!' he yells to the bartender.

The bartender shrugs and lines up 50 shot glasses and starts to fill them one at a time.

Just a soon as the bartender filled a shot glass, Paddy grabbed the glass and downed the whiskey. It was amazing, Paddy kept up with the bartender, drinking the shots just as fast as the bartender could fill them.

"How can you drink whiskey like that?" asked the bartender.

"You would drink like this if you had what I have" Paddy said in between gulps.

Thinking of all of the deadly diseases that can befall a man, the bartender exclaimed "Saints Preserve US! It must be awful. What exactly do you have?".

"50 cents" said Paddy.