- When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
- To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
- When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
- Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself. Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."
- Cop: "Please step out of the car." Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."
- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
- I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
- Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
- If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"
- When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
- I run like the winded.
- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
- When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
- I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
- When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
- I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
- When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
- It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
- Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
- That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
- Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
