Joke of the Day

[donnaclif]

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

 

[djrockinsteve]

After years of the city Charlie sells everything and moves to the wilderness. He makes monthly trips to the feed store for necessities. After several months he's starting to feel lonely and asks the store clerk if there are any woman nearby.

"Naw, not a woman for 300 miles."

Well what do you do for fun around here?

"Well we have Old Jake"

Oh I could never do that. I don't go for that sh!t.

Next month same question, same answer....I don't go for that sh!t.

The third month same conversation followed by I don't go for that sh!t.

After four months he's really lonely and asks the clerk, If I were to have Old Jake, what would it cost me?

"A hundred bucks"

A hundred dollars, Holy Cow! Why so much?

"Well there's thirty for me and thirty for Old Jake."

Charlie says, that's sixty dollars, who gets the other forty?

"The two guys that hold Old Jake down 'cause he don't go for that sh!t either!"

 

[countrygirl]

oh, steve, that last one was just wrooong, lol
i hope we don't start repeating some as i've lost track now, lol
so did u hear about the blonde who got locked in the bathroom?
she was in there so long she peed her pants

 

[djrockinsteve]

Ok you opened the door.....

How do blondes turn on the lights in the morning?
They open the car door.

Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm during sex.

What do blondes put behind their ears to attract the boys?
Their ankles.

Did you hear about the blonde that thought
"ineuendo" was the Italian word for Prearation H

All blondes on here forgive me

 

[Larryh86GT]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something,
Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like
you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try
that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'

 

[djrockinsteve]

While working in Africa a zoologist heard a loud bellowing coming from deep in the jungle. Intrigued he ventured in to see what it was. He came upon an elephant laying on it's side with a large thorn in his foot. The elephant was huge and frightening but the zoologist ventured in and carefully removed the thorn. The elephant got up, turned toward the man and reached down with his trunk and gave the man a big hug, then left into the jungle.

Often the zoologist would see the large beast in the distance and thought about how he had changed that elephants life as well as his own.

One day poachers came and took many of he elephants including our thornless friend. Believing he would never know what happened to the elephant he went about his job which years later place him in Chicago.

One day on a trip with his family to the zoo they passed the elephants den. Memories came rushing back dispite the 10 years that had passed. Suddenly he noticed one of the elephants staring at him. He wouldn't turn away. The elephant approached and let out a teriffic bellow.

Could it be the zoologist thought. After all these years and miles. The elephant extended his trunk to the man. It is you it is you the man exclaimed and began to scale the fence.

The crowd and his family shocked screamed stop, you'll be hurt or killed. It's okay, I know this elephant. We're old friends.

The man entered the elephant dwelling and walked right up to him. The elephat extended his trunk and wrapped around the man's body then lifted hin into the air.

Suddenly the elephant slammed the man onto the ground and stomped him to death.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

[Deezil]

While working in Africa a zoologist heard a loud bellowing coming from deep in the jungle. Intrigued he ventured in to see what it was. He came upon an elephant laying on it's side with a large thorn in his foot. The elephant was huge and frightening but the zoologist ventured in and carefully removed the thorn. The elephant got up, turned toward the man and reached down with his trunk and gave the man a big hug, then left into the jungle.

Often the zoologist would see the large beast in the distance and thought about how he had changed that elephants life as well as his own.

One day poachers came and took many of he elephants including our thornless friend. Believing he would never know what happened to the elephant he went about his job which years later place him in Chicago.

One day on a trip with his family to the zoo they passed the elephants den. Memories came rushing back dispite the 10 years that had passed. Suddenly he noticed one of the elephants staring at him. He wouldn't turn away. The elephant approached and let out a teriffic bellow.

Could it be the zoologist thought. After all these years and miles. The elephant extended his trunk to the man. It is you it is you the man exclaimed and began to scale the fence.

I got this far, and thought, 'how could this turn into a joke?'

The crowd and his family shocked screamed stop, you'll be hurt or killed. It's okay, I know this elephant. We're old friends.

The man entered the elephant dwelling and walked right up to him. The elephat extended his trunk and wrapped around the man's body then lifted hin into the air.

Suddenly the elephant slammed the man onto the ground and stomped him to death.

... 'That was a joke?'...

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Aaaaahahahahahahaha!!

 

[Green Mountains]

...A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong
email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day...

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

 

[WhineMaker]

An Anniversary Wish...

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th wedding Anniversary. During their party, a wizard appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world and poof – the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the wizard asked the husband what he wanted. He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.” The wizard picked up his wand and poof – the husband was 90 years old.

 

[WhineMaker]

An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

"What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out:

"Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

Lord, bless this food,
which I am about to receive
from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord,
Amen.

 

[Runningwolf]

 

[JohnT]

Two men in the woods surprised a bear. The bear took one look at the two of them and charged at them with great speed.

Seeing that the bear was charging at them, the two men take off running. Amazingly, they manage to keep ahead of the bear.

After a short while of running, one of the two men begins to tire. "Do you think that we can outrun this bear" he says to the other man.

"Outrun the bear?", said the other man, "all I have to do is outrun you".

 

[Redtrk]

My "Joke of the day"!

Two women were sitting together quietly, minding their own business.

 

[djrockinsteve]

What did the one morgue wall say to the other morgue wall?
I'll meet you at the cororner.

How can you tell if a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.

 

[Larryh86GT]

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

 

[JohnT]

On the night after their wedding, a honeymoon couple go up to the hotel room.

The husband takes off his boxer shorts and throws them over to his new bride. "Try them on darling" he said to his new bride.

Puzzled, the bride puts the short on. No sooner as she lets go of them, they fall down to her ankles. Over and over again she attempts to pull up the boxer shorts, but yet they always end up falling down around her akles.

Fustrated, the bride throws the boxer shorts over to her new husband. "I can't fit in these!" she says.

"That's right", says the husband, "You are the Woman. I am the Man. You can't fit into my britches. You understand me, woman???"

Taken aback, the new bride took off her panties and tossed them over to her new husband. "Try them on, you big strong man" she said.

The husband puts both of his legs through her underware and begins to pull them up. After struggling with them for a while, the panties rip completely in half.

In fustration, the husband threw the panties over to his new bride saying "I CAN'T GET IN THESE!!"

"That's right", said the bride, "....and until you change your attitude, you never will".

 

[Runningwolf]

With Chelsea's wedding on July 31st


Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom


She asked Chelsea... "have you had sex with Marc?"


Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad"

 

[Runningwolf]

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

------------------------- -------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked..

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice

 

[djrockinsteve]

One woman to another, "Do you smoke after intercourse?"

Other woman, "I don't know, I never looked?"

 

[JohnT]

Old Zeke was famous for his fishing prowess.

One day, while in the bar, a game warden noticed Zeke's catch for the day.

"My, that's a fine bunch of fish. You mind showing me how you go about catching so many big fish?"

"tell you what. You meet me at the dock tomorrow at 5am, and I'll take you out and show you how I fish" said Zeke.

The next morning, Zeke met the game warden at the dock. They both get into the boat, and off they go.

After a while, the game warden notices that there is no fishing gear. No poles and no bait. There were just two crates that the men were sitting on.

He was about to say something about it when Zeke cut the boat's motor.

"Now how are we going to fish without any gear?" the game warden said.

With out saying a word, Zeke reached into the crate he was sitting on, and pulled out a stick of dynomite. Zeke lit the fuse with his cigar and tossed it out into the water. After a very loud explosion, several dozen fish came floating to the surface.

Overcome with shock and anger, the game warden started screaming at Zeke. "Don't you know how bad that is? Don't you know how illegal that is? Don't you know that I have to throw you in my jail as soon as we get back?" said the warden.

Without saying a word, Zeke fetched another stick of dynomite. After lighing it with his cigar, he handed the dynomite to the game wareden.

"Now are you gonna talk or are you gonna fish?" asked Zeke.