Joke of the Day

[countrygirl]

AFter looking at Green Mountain's post I think the biggest joke is that all the new generation think's they
HAVE TO BE connected to the E world constantly.
I love being able to just walk out the door and have a good idea no one could find me if I really want it that way.

i love that, too!!! just me and the dogs. no phone, nothin'

 

[countrygirl]

a man was walking on the beach in california, praying and contemplating life. God sees him and speaks to him..."you have been a good servant, i will grant you one wish." the man quickly asks for a bridge to hawaii as he is scared to fly. God says, "are you sure you want such a personal thing. think of the manpower, the sheer volume of resources. it would completely eliminate some of the earths resources to do this." the man reconsiders. "I don't want to be selfish or self-centered. please help me to understand women. when i've upset my wife, help me to see what it is i've done wrong."
after a long pause, God asks the man, "you want 2 lanes or 4?"

 

[Runningwolf]

ROFLMAO...very good

 

[Wade E]

Aint that the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[whine4wine]

Two men are out fishing, when one of them desides to light up a cigar, but realizes he forgot his matches.
"You got a light?" he asks. "Sure do"' his friend replies.
So out of his tackle box he pulls out a 12" tall Bic Lighter. His friend lights his cigar and says "that is a really cool lighter, where did you get it?"
"I got it from my Genie" he replies.
"You have a Genie?"
"I sure do"
"Do you think he would grant me a wish?"
"Sure he will" his friend replies.
So out of his tackle box comes a lamp, and the Genie is brought forth.
"I wish I had a million bucks" says the man.
"OK" says the Genie.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and a roar is heard overhead. The roar turn into wings flapping, and soon there are ducks everywhere, in the water, on the boat,,,,You guessed it, a million ducks.
The man turns to his friend and says "Whats this?"
"I forgot to tell you my Genie is a little hard of hearing. You didn't really think I wished for a 12" Bic, did you?"

 

[rodo]

lmao

 

[countrygirl]

rof, rof, omggg

 

[djrockinsteve]

At church Sunday the Pastor asked for anyone who needed healing to come forward and be healed. Roscoe came up. The Pastor asked him "What's your name and what ailes you my fine man?"

My name is Roscoe and I need help with my hearing, he replied.

The Pastor placed one of his fingers in Roscoe's ears and his other hand on Roscoe's head and began to pray. Then he asked for the entire congregation to join in for the healing of Roscoe's hearing.

After a minute the Pastor stepped back and asked "How's your hearing now?"

Roscoe replied, "I don't know, it ain't till Tuesday!"

 

[donnaclif]

A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it.

* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.

* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.

* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.

* The Russian drank the wine, fly and all.

* The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine.

* The Jew caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.

* The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and then demanded to have new wine.

* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod.

* The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine, which he then donated to the Englishman.

* The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65 million dollar compensation for mental suffering.

* The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and roared: 'Now spit out all that you swallowed!!'

 

[Larryh86GT]

New wine for seniors

I kid you not....
New Wine for Seniors


California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I just could not help it.

 

[Mud]

Favorite joke of all time:
What Do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?





















A Stick

 

[countrygirl]

Favorite joke of all time




A Stick

priceless!!!

 

[Runningwolf]

WEALTH IN THE OLD AGE



Gosh,
I'm rich!

Silver
in the Hair

Gold
in the Teeth

Stones
in the Kidneys

Sugar
in the Blood.

Lead
in the Butt

Iron
in the Arteries

And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

 

[myakkagldwngr]

Why do ladies always rub their eyes first thing in the morning?





Because they don't have testicles to scratch.

 

[countrygirl]

Why do ladies always rub their eyes first thing in the morning?





Because they don't have testicles to scratch.

wahhhhaaaahaaa
my nephew calls 'em "hoohaas", lol

these two nuns walked into a liquor store
(i can tell this joke, i'm catholic, lol)
and they asked for a bottle of whiskey. the clerk said, "sisters, i can't sell you this". the nuns replied, "it's ok, it's for the father's constipation."
so the clerk sells them the liquor. on his way home, he sees the nuns, drunk on a park bench. he calls them to task, "sisters, you told me this was for the father's constipation"! one nun replied, "it is, don't you think he'll sh** when he sees us"!!!!

 

[djrockinsteve]

A young fellow is unpacking his belongings in his second floor apartment when he hears a knock at the door. He answers it to find a fellow who introduces himself as "Bob, from downstairs, welcome to the neighborhood".

"Terry is my name and thanks, that's very nice of you". Bob tells him he's having a party tonight at his place and why don't you come.

Terry thanks him and explains that he'll catch the next one as he has to get everything unpacked and ready for his new job on Monday.

Bob says "Awww come on down, we're gonna have drinking, fightin' and f&%$#n'." Terry thinks for a moment and replies "That doesn't sound too bad. Who all is gonna be there?"

Bob replies............................."ME AND YOU!"

 

[donnaclif]

Well thats quite an innovation.But then pinot was always renowned for it's health benefits.

 

[djrockinsteve]

A black bear was squatting next to a rabbit in the woods and asked the rabbit, "Do you have trouble with crap sticking to your fur when you go potty?"

The rabbit replied "No, not at all".

So the bear wiped his arse with him.

 

[Larryh86GT]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."

 

[wyntheef]

good one(s) larry. 10 thoughts gave me 10 chuckles.
Particularyly fond of #6.