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jswordy

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Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I miss her still.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put on my glasses.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone a round.

I lost my job as a stage designer, but I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet.’ It’s a cover band.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t 'c' in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a
blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar, and the bartender says, “Oh
no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study effects of alcohol on a person’s
walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players
are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t
lie - it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar?
There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the
Schwarzenegger action figures were, and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his
own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried
grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
 

Rocky

Chronologically Gifted Member
Joined
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Central Ohio
Okay, I will play...

What do you call a Hippies wife? Mississippi!
I have a fear of over-designed buildings. It's a complex, complex, complex.
I tried calling the tinnitus help line. No answer. It just kept ringing.
If a cow does not produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?
I shot a man with a paint ball gun just to watch him dye.
My friend David had his ID stolen. Now we just call him Dav.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I sued the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
Norwegian ships have bar codes so they can Scan Da Navy In.
Do memory foam mattresses wish they could forget?
If you hate speeding tickets, raise your right foot.
Coming soon, Star Wars XII, "Luke Needs a Walker."
Break-in at the Apple Store, police are looking for iWitnesses.
Restaurant opens on the Moon. Great food but no atmosphere.
My wife got a job at the zoo. She's a keeper!
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.
The Little Mermaid wore an Alga Bra to math class.
Do gun manuals have a "Trouble Shooting" section?
Not all math puns are bad, just sum of them.
 

Rocky

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Messages
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Haven't had any groaners for a while so I have a few more. Some might be repetitions.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?
I don't know and don't really care.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me. I could do it with my eyes closed.

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus.

You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth, and he got hell.

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.

To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero:
Thanks for nothing!

Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Dad: "No sun."
 
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