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Winemaking Talk - Winemaking Forum

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    The claim that Natural Wines without added sulphites cannot cause headaches is challenged by a new study. In a research paper, Sophie Parker-Thomson MW from New Zealand proves that wines to which no sulphur has been added before fermentation contain higher levels of biogenic amines. The best...
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    Dog walkers

    Two men met in the graveyard while walking their dogs. 'Morning,' said the first man. 'No,' said the other man.'Just walking the dog!'
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    Healing touch

    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball flew towards four men who were playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he straight away clasped his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony. The woman rushed over to the man and began to...
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    The teacher at school was trying to wean the children of babytalk.'No more babytalk,' she said. I want you all to use grown-up words from now on. 'James, what did you do this weekend?' 'I went to see my Nana,' he said. 'No,' said the teacher. 'You should say I went to see my Grandma.' Alice...
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    Blonde paint

    A knock came at our back door, there stood a young blonde. 'I'm working my way through college, ' she said. 'I'll do any job you like for 25 dollars.' My wife said 'Get her to paint the porch, you're reluctant to do it.' 'OK,' I said to the girl. 'You'll find some blue paint and a brush in the...
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    A drunken priest is pulled over for speeding. Smelling alcohol on the priests breath and noticing a wine bottle on the passenger seat, the traffic cop asks, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' The priest replies, 'Just water.' 'Then tell me,' the policeman asks. 'How is it I can smell wine?' The...
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    A boy came home from school one day looking sorry for himself.' Dad,' he says, 'We had a spelling competition today and I failed on the very first word.' 'That's OK, son,' says his father, 'What was the word?' The son looks miserable, 'Posse,' he replies. His father burst out laughing, 'No...
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    A man went it to a Butchers in Glasgow. The Butcher was out the back, by a radiator. The man was looking at what was on display at the glass counter. He shouts, 'Is that your Ayrshire bacon?' The Butcher shouts back, ' No, I'm just warming my hands.'
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    Slow Food

    Three tourists were drivng through Wales. As they came to 'Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerycwhyrndrobwlllantsiliogogogoch', they began arguing about how to pronounce the name. They kept on arguing until they stopped for lunch. At the counter, one asked the Blonde employee, 'Before we order, could you...
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    Local knowledge

    A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie were having a drink at a bar in America. 'It's very nice in here,' says the Scotsman, 'but I still prefer the the pubs back home In Glasgow. There's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord is great, when you buy four drinks he gives you the fith one...
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    A little boy was on a plane with his mother. 'Mummy,' he said. 'If a big doggie can have littles doggies, and a big cat can have little kitties, why doesn't a big plane have little planes?' Mother was a bit embarrassed by the question, said to the little boy, 'Ask the stewardess, she knows all...
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    We were having breakfast when our 10 year old son told us he'd had his first bit of naughty and he'd enjoyed it so much he'd done it again twice. I pushed my chair back and stood up. 'Don't hit him,' my wife said. 'It's our own fault, we should have told him all about sex.' ' Don't be silly...
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    Sex drivw

    I went to see my Doctor this morning. 'What can I do for you?' he asked. 'I need something to inprove my sex drive,' I replied. 'You're 88 and your wife is 87, why do you want to do that?' I said 'Well my My oldest friend who's 85 keeps saying he has sex with his wife every night.' The Doctor...
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    understanding women

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    Elderberry rose

    My wife decided to enter a bottle in the wine show. Just for the sake of doing something different, she made an Elderberry Rose by pressing the Elders after a day. It was very pale pink - more like a blush really. She entered it in the Any Other colour section where you didn't have to name the...
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    The Painter

    Her Ladyship hired an elderly painter to decorate their London apartment. He painted the bathroom, the bedroom, the hallway, then left for the night. His Lordship came home and her Ladyship told him how pleased she was with his work. 'Is the paint dry?' he asked and put his hand on the wall...
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    That's cruel

    Mum caught her young son kicking one of their chickens. "That's cruel!" she said. "For being cruel to the chicken, you'll get no eggs for a fortnight." A short while later Mum caught the son kicking the dog. "You're being cruel again," she said. "Just for kicking the dog, you'll get no hot dogs...
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    I went into this bar in Spain, just round the corner from the Bullring. It was amazing, all the walls were decorated with heads of the Bulls killed in the arena. When the waiter brought my drink, I said "My God, those heads are almost as big as a small Elephants head." The waiter put down my...
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    Find the necklace

    The Colonel was dancing with a young American girl whose necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress. She asked him to retrieve the jewelery for her. Being English he was embarrassed, but being a gentleman he did as she asked. "I'm sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to...
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    Guide dog

    A blind man with a guide dog was talking to a woman. Suddenly the dog cocked his leg and piddled on the blind man. The man started patting the dog on his head. 'You are kind,' said the woman. 'Most people would be upset.' 'I am,' replied the man. 'I'm just making sure which end is which so I can...